i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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