My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
