After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
