Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
