i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
