I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
