I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
