Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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