Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
