The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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