i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
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