So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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