I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
