The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
