just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
