I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
