am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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