my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
