weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Randomize
