I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
