I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
