She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
