dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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