Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
