paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
dude i'm inner monologue high
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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