I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Randomize
