so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
