So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Acid is not a monday night drug
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I am one with the molecules
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
