I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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