rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Come share oat with me in your robe
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Randomize
