Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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