well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
