quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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