she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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