What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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