when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Never joke about your clitoris.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
