Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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