sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
