Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
