I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
