My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
