i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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