1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
