I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
