it's too hot outside to masturbate.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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