The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
