So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
