Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
