John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Randomize
