i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
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