I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
